Waging Jihad against the Zionists just got easier. With Hamas® brand "Intifada Baby Armor" your mission to destroy Israel can be achieved even sooner. You'll love these new features:
User friendly: Easy to adjust for a custom fit
Flexibility: No more restricted movements when firing weapons or doing other rigorous activities
Lightweight: The lightest vest offering this type of protection, although infant weight can vary
Reusable: When a bullet pierces the protective baby insert, remove and replace insert with just one hand
Manipulation: Included in every vest is a contact list of all sympathetic media organs that will blame Israel on demand for your damaged baby insert
Multi-purpose: Can easily be converted into a suicide vest
Infant not included We Desire Death as They Desire Life™ is a registered trademark of Hamas, Inc.
OTTAWA (Reuters) - Royal Mounted Police have launched a more extensive crackdown on "social corruption" such as women flouting Islamic dress codes on Monday.
"In its wider crackdown which has started from Saturday, police will confront those who appear in public in an indecent way and will also seal off shops selling un-Islamic dress," the newspaper said, quoting an unnamed police official.
The recent International Conference on Islamic Unity and Wakefulness in the 21st Century in Tehran became a fiasco as it failed to keep the delegates awake long enough for the photo ops. Soon after they were seated, the attendees began to doze off and fall from their seats, with nobody left alert enough to pick them up. The conference was closed on the second day after the neighbors complained that the continuous snoring was making their pets paranoid.
The tone of the event was set by the Director of the Expediency Council of Iran, who nodded off before finishing his welcoming address. "Today more than ever, the Islamic World is in need of wakefulness of Muslims," he said as he slowly slid behind the pulpit.
Carter hard at work as Hamas members prepare to launch fireworks in celebration.
After finishing Habitat for Hamsters in San Francisco, President Jimmy Carter went on to start a new Habitat for Hamas project in Gaza, building new homes for families whose homes were destroyed by Israeli bulldozers in retaliation for suicide bombings.
Jimmy Carter says he feels “quite at ease” working with Hamas leader Khaled Mashaal. I've been meeting with Hamas leaders for years, I find them to be peace-loving people, and they are just misunderstood by bigoted Americans. If Israel would dismantle their system of Apartheid, and meet all the demands of Hamas, everyone could live in peace and harmony.
Western terror labs have finally produced a weapon so horrific that it has shaken Islamic world to the core, making over a billion people from Morocco to Indonesia fear for the survival of their freedoms, morals, beliefs, cultures, governments, and the very life itself. The new weapon of terror, the so-called "Cartoon," is capable of delivering an equivalent of one million Hiroshima bombs, resulting in a horrendous mass destruction like none seen on Earth before.
"I see no way to combat this horrific infidel weapon other than by balanced, fair, and rational hostage-taking, bomb-throwing, and embassy-burning, based on strict Islamic law and mutual understanding of our commin goal, which is the Islamization of Earth. These methods have proven efficient in dealing with the West in the past..."
Dear Iranian Mullahs! While our satirical website and your Propaganda Directorate deal in the same trade of making up facts and exaggerating reality, we are different in that we can recognize a spoof - but you apparently can't. On Dec. 27, 2007 you used our spoof image on your propaganda website to illustrate a "true" statement that Jews are welcome in Iran and that Western reports about mass emigration of Iranian Jews are "lies spread by the Zionist hegemony."
Roger Waters takes 'The Wall' Concerts to 57 Islamic Countries to Protest against Sharia Law and Execution of Homosexuals by having Walls Fall on Them
Having supported every wall-related cause and courageously stared down the free world over hundreds of minor injustices involving walls, co-founder and former lead singer of Pink Floyd Roger Waters has announced that he will take 'The Wall' performances to the Muslim world to protest the practice of crushing homosexuals with walls.
"I've already dragged my Wall concerts around the world to protest against walls, fences, and miscellaneous types of enclosures," explains Waters.
Following the misery inflicted on Islam
by a toy bear that ended up with calls for the execution
of an English woman, more Muslims are stepping forward
with stories of long-suppressed emotional trauma imposed
on them by so-called reality. This has led to the creation
of support groups and social networks that help followers
of the Prophet Mohammed cope with the agony of learning
about life outside of their immediate environment, offering
assistance with technical resources, practical guidance,
and strategies for early intervention and punishment of
those who offend Islam.
A report released by the Pentagon confirms
rumors that popular international terrorist Ernesto Guevara,
better known under the nickname "Che" has been captured
in a safe house south of Baghdad, during a routine raid
operation conducted jointly by the new Iraqi police and
the US Marines. His identity was immediately established
by comparing his face to one of the Che Guevara T-shirts
that lay scattered around the safe house.
NEW YORK - Sept. 24,
2007. It was a pleasant sunny day in New York - just
like the one on 9/11 six years ago. Peace activists
gathered outside Columbia University to support Iranian
President's speech on campus, anticipating a great
leap forward towards World Peace™ and a glorious
blow to American imperialism.
Supporters of international socialism stood side
by side with supporters of the international caliphate
- against the crowd of Jews and other agents of
the international Zionist conspiracy who descended
on the corner of Broadway and E 116th Street to
oppose Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and steal his oil.
NEW YORK - Columbia
University president Lee Bollinger confirmed
plans to go forward with a speech by Mahmoud
Ahmadinejad aimed at helping the progressive
academic community better to understand their
role in the Global War on U.S. Imperialism. "We
are preparing some hard-ball questions that
would force Iran's President to tell us more
about his rich
experience in purging academia and creating
a perfectly uniform
intellectual climate of diversity," stated
Bollinger. "We are so committed to intellectual
diversity that we spare no effort to silence
the hate-mongering vitriol by our right-wing
critics - and few people know about that more
than our honored guest," Bollinger said, adding
that "only an anti-intellectual bigot would
oppose a speech by a distinguished Islamic
scholar whose metaphysical insights into holocausts
illuminate the massive genocides of the 20th
century for all of us."
In an effort
to clarify his threat-laced seven-page manifesto
released on September 7, Osama Bin Laden has
sent a threat-laced three-page memo to Al Jazeera,
to be read continuously by a Bin Laden look-a-like
every hour on the hour. The memo seems to single
out Hillary Clinton, whom Bin Laden alternatively
calls either "cuckolded blond lady candidate" or "woman
who should be wearing a burqa."
Referring to her recent statement that a terror
attack between now and the next election would
help the Republicans, Bin Laden bitterly responds, "W'll
commit an act of terror any time we damn well
please."
"But we want a Democrat president as much
as you do," Bin Laden continues, suggesting
that al-Qaeda might, after all, adhere to
Mrs. Clinton's directive and lay off the
terror shortly after the primaries, when
the main candidates have been selected and
the election starts in earnest.
Nouri al-Maliki offers
Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi a last chance.
(BAGHDAD) Prime Minister
Nouri al-Maliki cautioned yesterday that
the United States could face civil war if
disunity continues among differing factions
in the United States Congress. "If we can
trust CNN and the Arabic edition of The
New York Times, it's only a matter of
time before a civil war breaks out between
the red states and the blue states," Maliki
said to a hushed audience of Iraqi veterans
and their families, suggesting that the fanatical
leaders of Congress "be ousted as swiftly
as a convicted thief's left hand is separated
from his arm in Saudi Arabia."
A
group of Democratic senators and congressmen visiting
Iraq, together with a U.S. Marine, got captured by
al-Qaeda and brought to a safe house north of Baghdad.
The terrorists announce they will behead the captives,
but promise to grant each of them a last wish.
Human rights group, Human Rights
Right This Minute! (HRRTM) has condemned what
it calls "inappropriate remarks bordering on racism
and bigotry" that came from an English journalist
Joe Snuffy as he was beheaded on a recently surfaced
Al Qaeda video. The official transcript of the tape
attributes to Mr. Snuffy the following statement: "Islam
and Mo..." While the rest of the message was censored
by Western news agencies out of respect for non-Christian
beliefs, human rights watchdogs at HRRTM claim that
with the help of hired lip-reading and body-language
experts they reconstructed Mr. Snuffy's statement,
which appears to contain inflammatory hate speech. "Just
as we had suspected all along," says spokesbeing
for HRRTM Sarah Fulano.
Nobel Committee Rescinds Arafat's
Peace Prize, Gives it to Hamas
(STOCKHØLM) The Nobel Peace Prize Committee has
acted to rescind Yasser Arafat's Peace Prize effective
immediately, and to give it to Hamas, the Palestinian
Sunni Islamist organization currently governing the people
of the Palestinian National Authority.
A new cave video released by Ayman
al-Zawahiri praised the non-binding
resolution against Iraq troop surge passed in the
House today, describing it as a step in the right direction,
while also criticizing the bill as "inadequate and
meager kickback for the tremendous effort and sacrifice" al-Qaeda's
had given to help the Democrats win the mid-term elections. "What
in Allah's name is a non-binding resolution?" al-Qaeda's
number two shouted while shaking his AK-47 in the air. "We
sacrificed thousands of our best men, raising body
count of US troops and Iraqi bystanders to unprecedented
numbers so that you could work your ungodly media polls
to win the House and the Senate. And now you're basically
telling us that 'the check is in the mail'? Really?
If our IEDs were as symbolic and non-binding as your
resolution, Pelosi wouldn't be your speaker. The question
that many Jihadists are asking today is, can we trust
the Democrats?"
Terrorists ain't easy to love and they're harder
to hold.
They'd rather give you a bomb than diamonds or gold.
Suicide bomb buckles and old faded kaffiyehs,
And each night begins a new day.
If you don't understand him, an' he don't die young,
He'll just hack your head away.
Mamas, don't let your babies grow up jihadis.
Don't let 'em bomb cafes or explode them old trucks.
Let 'em be imams and mullahs and such.
Mamas don't let your babies grow up jihadis.
'Cos they'll never stay home and they're always
alone.
Even with those virgins to love.
Once the Democrats take charge in January,
bring the troops home, and appoint Jimmy Carter to
keep America safe, we must be prepared to submit to
Sharia Law pretty quick. It will not be voluntary -
but it can be made smooth and painless with the use
of re-educational TV programming. The American masses
won't even notice the transition, just like they didn't
notice the transition to socialist values in the past,
due to the masterful work of mind-conditioning experts
at all progressive media channels. To that end we recommend
this Sharia-friendly Winter TV Line-up:
"I'm going to tell you a story you've never heard before,
because no one knows it the way I know it," Hussein writes
in the publisher's release.
Saddam Hussein, a long-term admirer
of OJ Simpson's life story, has most recently followed
his icon's example,
releasing a shocking new book titled If I Had Weapons
Of Mass Destruction, in which he outlines how his
illegal weapons would have been hidden - if he had
them. The controversy surrounding Saddam Hussein's
removal from power surfaced again this week when, just
in time for November television sweeps, former Iraqi
leader revealed that he will participate in a two-part
Fox television special and release a book that will
give a "bone-chilling account" of how he could have
moved the WMDs to Syria using advisors from the Russian
intelligence.
It was only a matter of time before the so-called "Iranian
President" Mahmoud Ahmadinejad would be unmasked
as the biggest hoax in the history of television,
perpetrated by Brooklyn comic Misha Braslavsky, a
cable TV buffoon exploiting Western stereotypes of "evil
Islamic radicalism."
Looking back, we can only laugh at our unblinking
acceptance of Ahmadinejad, an "Islamist hard-liner" dressed
like a Turkish used car salesman, who called to wipe
Israel off the map or move it to Alaska, demanded a
manual recount of Holocaust victims, and banned all
Western music. His retractions were even more bizarre: "CNN
make lie! I send squeegees to help Israel, not 'Wipe
off Israel!' Who translated, I kill him!"
Three days after a midterm election
that put Democrats in charge of Capitol Hill, a tone
of conciliation continued as Abu Ayyub al-Masri, commander
of al-Qaeda in Iraq, welcomed Democratic leaders for lunch,
saying he looked forward to working with them in a
bipartisan way on issues they have in common. Noting
that al-Masri and Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid
have similar views about Bush, the al-Qaeda leader
commented, "We tend to speak the same language." Harry
Reid of Nevada agreed: "We will not rest until we crush
Bush and his cronies through a constructive, bipartisan
jihad."
The BBC has recently come
out of the closet, admitting that its executives,
reporters, analysts, directors, and even cleaning
ladies, who are mostly young, urban, trendy, Left-leaning
homosexuals, have been found guilty of mistreating
the station's Muslim minority by virtue of being
insensitive to their anti-gay
cultural sentiments. A leaked transcript of a
secret 'accountability summit' called by BBC chairman
reveals that the BBC, while promoting sexual and
ethnic diversity,
has neglected to fully comply with the new multicultural
order. These new standards prohibit anything that
may be viewed as offensive to Muslims or the Koran,
including engaging in homosexual acts.
Dear radical Muslim
comrades! While you are the best allies the Left could
ever have in the great patriotic war against American
Capitalism, there are limits in every relationship,
even the most intimate one like ours. Thus, your latest allegation that
the Apple Mecca Store in New York amounts to a deliberate
insult to Islam (because it resembles your
big black Ka'bah cube in Mecca) is not just inane,
it's an unprovoked stab in the back. This isn't how
good allies treat one another. Yes, our cube-shaped
Apple store resembles Ka'bah - so what? It's not like
your real Mecca. To be more like the real Mecca it
must have regular
stampedes crushing thousands of geeks to death
every year, aggravated by outbreaks of dysentery among
huge crowds of Apple users crammed together in anti-sanitary
conditions.
In the
view of some historians, the Pope's
recent apology to enraged Muslims over use
of a quote written by Manuel
II Palaeologus in 1391 bears a
striking similarity with a similar
apology delivered more than 600 years
ago by Manuel II Palaeologus himself
to offended Muslim armies after they
ransacked his Christian country, converted
its citizens to Islam, and beheaded
or enslaved those who resisted the
forced conversions. In a public speech
made shortly after the quote first
appeared in Muslim press, Manuel II
apologized to the Islamic community
that besieged his controversial "Byzantine
entity."
Muslims protesters: "Is it because we
didn't support Ned Lamont? Is it because
our lousy plastic recycling program?"
Ever
since the confrontation between the
West and Islam began, the question "Why
do they hate us?" has been topping
the Frequently
Asked Questions charts among Western
leaders and intellectuals, tormenting
minds and souls of the Western populace
prone to introspection. Considering
the magnitude of the problem, we have
assumed that the same question similarly
torments the minds of prominent Muslims
in the lands of Islam. And indeed,
our special Bridge-Building survey
has determined that from Saudi Arabia
to Iran to Afghanistan, in the halls
of the prestigious Islamic universities
and government palaces, prominent Muslims
are asking the same questions: "Why
us? Why the terror alert system? Why
security checks at airports?"
While
former Iranian President Mohammad Khatami's
visit to the land of The Great Satan
is welcomed by all progressive
sleeper cells inside this country,
his message of tolerance and moderation has
become an object of vicious attacks
from such hate groups as the Episcopal
Church, the Jewish
Community Relations Council, and Massachusetts
Governor Mitt Romney's office.
The controversy is largely fueled by
Mullah Khatami's planned visits to
Harvard, Georgetown University, Columbia
University, and the University of Virginia
for a round of introspective talks
and consultations aimed at helping
the progressive academic community
better to understand their role in
the Global War on U.S. Imperialism.
The former Iranian leader is also expected
to share his rich
experience in purging academia
and creating a perfectly uniform
intellectual climate of diversity for
the Greater Good™.
As
the great progressive leader Joseph
Stalin may have said, "It's not what
really happens, it's what we write
about it that matters." We can never
underestimate the importance of proper
screening of individuals who narrate
history for the masses - from news
services and talk shows to school teachers
and entertainers. To our credit we
have a firm grip on all of the above.
One of the most prominent members of
the academic community in this respect
is Professor Kurgman, PhD, PhD, PhD,
who has kindly written for the People's
Cube a brief yet masterful summary
of the recent conflict in the Middle
East. Not only does it correctly capture
the way the events were covered by
world's progressive media, it is also
destined to enter the annals of history
as the sole unquestionable resource
for social scientists of the future.
Gather
round Young Pioneers and Little Jihadis
and let Aunt Laika tell you a poem.
Now in the decadent West, they have
a myth about Santa Claus and Reindeers
that can fly. We all know that is
not true and even if it was true,
Santa Claus would be an enemy of
the state because he keeps elves
as slaves and beats the Reindeer
with whips. The ACLU and PETA would
have sued him and his fat, jolly
butt would be in the slammer.
Now in the progressive Islamic Republics,
especially Iran, there is The
Prophet and Bourak. Bourak is half
man and half flying horse and the Prophet
flies on his back to the farthest mosque
(Jerusalem), heaven and hell, and the
houses of misery and happiness. This
is done on the night as what is known
on the infidel calendar as August 22,
and true believers call this the Miraj.
In an effort to finalize
the portrayal of Hezbollah as a benevolent
band of misunderstood peasant warriors,
and to foster acceptance of other cultures,
the BBC retooled its cutest Teletubby
character named Laa-laa into Hezbo-Laa-Laa.
Sporting a characteristic martyr bandana
with the motto "From cradle to grave" written
in Arabic, and a suicide belt filled
nails and rat poison, this cute and
cuddly Terrortubby is intended to show
European and American kids that beyond
its desire to exterminate the Jew,
Hezbollah is, in fact, a caring playmate
that will tend to your social needs
through a strong presence in the big,
generous government!
Successful
field trials
of our Flat
Fatima product
and glowing reports
from leading
news agencies
have prompted
us to develop
new cutout models
to diversify
emotional impact
of reporting
and target broader
demographics.
The struggle
to revolutionize
news media by
purging it from
such bourgeois
concepts as truth
and objectivity
will now be joined
by Jamal Sixpack,
Harry Helmet,
Charlie Chair,
Lou the Looter,
Torched Peugeot
from the French
riots, and other
media icons including
Che Guevara (monochrome
models only).
Generate
hard-hitting
reporting by
mounting Popular
Media Figures™ individually
or in groups
in front of
a burning garbage
dump and get
that Pulitzer
you've always
wanted!
Having
learned of the growing
trend at
Reuters, BBC,
and other progressive
media to doctor
photographs, stage
events, and
use choreographed
footage in
the best Pallywood traditions,
researchers at
Karl Marx Treatment
center decided
to make it even
easier for news
organization
to re-educate
their audiences
and advance the
Greater Good™.
Laminated
on 5mm corrugated
plastic board
Water resistant,
durable for
short term
outdoor use
Europe
's view of the
present Israeli
offensive against
Hezbollah as
an "overreaction" and "disproportionate
use of force" is
rooted in relatively
recent history,
say progressive
researchers.
In 1943, Europe
itself suffered
from a similar
Jewish overreaction
to some controversial
German policies,
in an event known
as the Warsaw
Ghetto Uprising,
when Zionist
radicals attacked
the National
Socialist German
Workers Party that
was loved by
the German people
for its far-reaching
educational and
social welfare
services. In
fact, many academics
who teach Peace
Studies at prestigious
universities
believe that
it was the Zionists' "disproportionate
use of force" that
had ruined hopes
for peace in
Europe and caused
a humanitarian
crisis that could
have easily be
avoided if only
Jews had shown
restraint and
tolerance towards
the democratically
elected German
government.
MORE >>
Now
that we have identified
the problems of
the Middle East,
it is now time
to present high-powered
academic solutions
to this crisis.
And whereas the
average policy
maker is hard-pressed
to find a single
solution, I, with
my vast intelligence,
have developed
seven solutions:
1) Establish
Scientific
Socialism.
The tranquility
of the late Soviet
Union can be easily
moved to the Middle
East -- with the
assistance of a
violent revolution
to terminally smash
the ruling class
and establish a
workers' paradise
where everyone
will be the equal
of everyone else,
and everything
we need will be
free. Why can't
the entire Middle
East be like a
People-of-Color
version of The
Democratic People's
Republic of Korea?
There are no wars
among the Korean
people!
From
the beginning of
time, there was
a place called "Palestine" which
was inhabited exclusively
by the biggest
gift to humankind:
Palestinians. Their
culture flourished,
their peaceful
people prospered,
and their model
nation was to become
the jewel of the
world. Their language
was Arabic, their
religion was Muslim
(pronounced "MOOZ-lem"),
but regrettably,
all evidence of
their governments,
their currency,
their laws, their
scientific, technological,
philosophical,
and artistic accomplishments
were destroyed.
By whom? Keep reading.
Having
analyzed world
media sympathies
towards Muslim
radicals who
teach their young
to lace their
suicide belts
with screws and
rat poison to
inflict maximum
carnage in a
crowd of infidels,
a desperate Jewish
manufacturer
of educational
toys has launched
a " Jewish Martyr
Babies" marketing
campaign, which
they hope will
finally make
Reuters, BBC,
CNN, and other
networks view
the Jewish experiencehave
more favorably.
They now offer
their customers
anthrax yarmulke,
razor-wire-lined
tallit, exploding
gartel, strangling
attarah, metal-piercing
dreidels, and
other novelty
items that are "fun,
educational,
and lethal."
A sample
lineup of
Jewish Martyr
Toys and
mission statement
from the
manufacturer's
website:
The Bush administration
and The New
York Times
are again at
odds over
national security,
this time with
new exposures
of the administration's
immoral attempts
to protect
imperialist
America from
heroic Islamic
freedom fighters.
In today's
issue the
fearless NYT
showed the
world how the
militaristic
US government
was co-opting
major capitalist
financial institutions
to track global
financial transfers.
The message
this sends is
clear - give
up, George Bush!
Protecting America
is a useless
task when you
face the glorious
destructive force
of progressive
media! America
must be destroyed!
It is a historical
inevitability
whose time has
come!
Another
leader of social progress has been murdered by
American war criminals today. The
Left lost a prominent comrade who
helped us fight US imperialism at
home and abroad. Every glorious beheading
and school bus explosion he committed
was cherished by human rights activists
as another proof of the cynical nature
of the Bush administration.
RECOMMENDED HEADLINES
FOR PROGRESSIVE MASS MEDIA:
Why right-wing extremists cheer
Zarqawi's death
Should we love Al Zarqawi? Many
think so
Zarqawi killed, but more impotantly
- what have US marines done wrong
lately?
Zarqawi Studies Center and Museum
to open in University of Colorado
at Boulder
Hello my friends! How many times have
you caught one of your women bandying
about without its burqa? How many times
has an insolent female flashed her
ankle by "accident"? Has this caused
you humiliation and pain requiring
whipping? Have you been forced, through
no fault of your own, to resort to
honor killing? Isn't it time you stopped
wasting perfectly good woman flesh
and invested in a foolproof coverage
system for your females?
Now, BurqaBarn, in conjunction
with Citywide Waste Management,
has a solution for you!
The Party
frowns on humor and jokes unless
they (1) help advance class struggle
(ridicule the enemy and reveal the
follies of capitalism; and (2) help
the masses resist oppression while
raising awareness (see Doonesbury,
Jon Steward, etc.). While joking,
one must always err on the side on
caution - for "humor" is, by its
nature, connected to the archaic
bourgeois notions of "free expression" and "unorthodox
thinking." Humor is often indistinguishable
from lies - and we know that the
concept of lies was invented by the
ruling class of oppressors as a tool
to deceive and exploit the oppressed
(see Karl Marx's "Religion is the
opiate of the masses").
We are starting
a new section for children - Hammer & Popsickle -
where the nation's young ones can get
indoctrinated, in an entertaining and
subliminal manner, about the romanticism
of class struggle and the evils of
capitalism. Our first installment explains
why Iran has the right to build nuclear
weapons in order to wipe two illegitimate
entities, Israel and the United States,
off the face of the Earth.
Twelfth Imam is Coming to
Town is a sing-along
version of the famous carol (with
a great rendition playing on
the background). The Islamic
Republic of Iran's governing
council of mullahs and Iranian
President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
also believe
in Santa Claus - only in
their Shi'ite creed Santa is
called the 12th Imam, known as
the Mahdi....
Muslim protests erupted
worldwide this week after a high
school teacher in Colorado compared
Bush to Hitler. "It is a crime
in Sharia law to insult Hitler (PBUH)!" stated
Abdul Ali Aziz in a Muslim street
interview. "We have been listening
to this kind of blasphemy from the
Left ever since the Zionist puppet
Bush got elected. The infidel teacher
must be tortured and beheaded!"
Rage against the besmirching
of Adolf Hitler's name poured out
across the Muslim world on Saturday,
with aggrieved believers calling
for the execution of those involved,
storming buildings, and setting
European and American flags afire.
Western
terror labs have finally produced
a weapon so horrific that it has
shaken Islamic world to the core,
making over a billion people from
Morocco to Indonesia fear for the
survival of their freedoms, morals,
beliefs, cultures, governments, and
the very life itself. The new weapon
of terror, the so-called "Cartoon," is
capable of delivering an equivalent
of one million Hiroshima bombs, resulting
in a horrendous mass destruction
like none seen on Earth before.
Ahmed Jihad of the Soros-funded
charity Make Bombs, Not Cartoons sadly
stated that "This is the end of
a tenuous peace between Muslims
and Infidels, with only the occasional
beheading, open market suicide
bomb, or fiery suicide plane mission."
Hare
Krishnas: "We are tired of smirks
and dissing while working our
asses off at major airports for
little or no pay. Enough is enough!
We demand state-enforced conversions
and equal redistribution of faith
and donations!"
The
French Muslim riots, caused by an
uncontrollable reaction to poverty,
racism, and a profound sense of alienation
from the larger society, have recently
inspired some American groups who
share very similar grievances, to
use mass violence as a means of gaining
recognition and respect.
As low income also immediately
translates into uncontrollable
violence, the first American neighborhoods
to start rioting were the Chinatowns.
Realizing that Chinatowns are among
the poorest
parts of the country, community
leaders have encouraged the use
of violence to raise the material
wealth -- and self-esteem -- of
the residents.
Violent protests erupted yesterday
among faculty members on American
and European campuses, accompanied
by massive looting, flag-burning,
and clashes with riot police, after
Newsweek magazine published a report
stating that a U.S. interrogator
desecrated Das Kapital. The holy
book of an estimated 1.5 billion
world's Marxists was
allegedly flushed down the toilet
in order to humiliate and demoralize
a progressive human
rights lawyer and devout Marxist Lynne
Stewart.
Deans, heads of departments,
professors, and assistant professors
marched in the streets holding
portraits of Karl
Marx, chanting revolutionary
slogans, tearing up American flags,
burning effigies of George Bush
and David Horowitz, and threatening
to suspend those students who didn't
join them in their righteous protest.
On Berkeley campus a gigantic bonfire
consumed all available copies of
books by Ann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh,
Mark Levin, and other conservative
authors that could be found in
the library and local bookstores.
The rioters were being spontaneously
joined by groups of trial lawyers, progressive journalists,
and union leaders.
We can withstand your guns and tanks, but
please, kill us all before you inflict
more sensitivity training!
The War
on Terror has entered a new successful
stage once the US field commanders
began to force the enemy units to comply
with the same government-imposed rules
and restrictions that the US Army increasingly
faces on a daily basis.
One man, identified only as a "Soldier
for Allah" explained, "We were led
into a classroom and had to sit in
circles for what they called 'Collective
Self-Attaining Support Sessions'
where they lectured us on matters
such as "Gender Awareness." "Multicultural
Identity." and "Environmental Racism." For
the love of Allah (peace be upon
him and his messenger, the Prophet
Muhammad), even in Saddam's prisons,
I was never accused so often of being
guilty!"
Rumors of a possible split between
leaders of ACLU and al Qaeda have been
fueled by an increased chatter level
over the past few weeks, as follows from
these interoffice memos obtained by our
field operative at ACLU headquarters, 125
Broad Street in New York.
* * *
From: ACLU Board of Directors
To: Al Qaeda Headquarters
Dear Sir:
In your videotaped statement broadcast
by al-Jazeera Mr. Ayman al-Zawahiri
looks like a respectable statesman
who appreciates reasonable dialogue.
As such, we hope you will address our
grievances for the sake of our common
goal, which we know you still believe
in...
Sharon: "It's not every day when
the French, the Germans, Muslims, Communists,
Nazis, Arabs,
Socialists, and the United Nations agree on things,
so when they do,
it's obvious that they must be correct."
Persistent
rhetoric coming from concerned progressive
critics worldwide has finally convinced
Israeli officials that the state of Israel
has no moral right to exist. "That's
it," Prime Minister Ariel Sharon explained
at a press conference. "We are dismantling
the Nation of Israel. I'm leaving for
Poland next week."
"My cabinet and I had long discussions
about world troubles, and we concluded
that our critics are right - all the
troubles can be traced back to us.
So, in order to resolve these issues,
we felt it would be best to extend
our withdrawal beyond Gaza to include
the West Bank and Israel proper," Sharon
said. "The Gaza pullout was only a
test, and the ensuing waves of peace
and brotherhood it had triggered in
Palestine and beyond, encouraged us
to disband altogether. Without us here,
people of the world will finally be
able, once again, to live in permanent
harmony and understanding - just like
they all did before Israel's founding
nearly sixty years ago."
The day after Hurricane Katrina
smashed into eastern Louisiana and western Mississippi,
leaving a swath of devastation comparable to
some of the worst in history, a multi-national
coalition formed for the express purpose of discouraging
countries from providing any relief aid to the
beleaguered inhabitants of the Gulf Coast.
A new video released today on al Jazeera captivated not only regulars enticed by displays of flying body parts and beheadings, but drew in scores of reality TV aficionados, many of whom wept tears of sympathetic tenderness.
In what may well become known as the world's
most romantic marriage proposal, Osama Bin
Laden, president of the al Qaeda network,
stumbled in the midst of his latest fatwa
against Western infidels, then produced a
small box from the folds of his robe. He
fell to one knee and, looking straight into
the camera, uttered in perfect English, "I
love you Cindy Sheehan. Will you marry me,
baby doll?" He then opened
the box containing a gorgeous four carat
spherical-cut diamond ring in a platinum
setting, still on the finger of its previous
owner...
Kofi Annan: "UN inspectors are confident that
Iran is up to a decade away from incinerating another
American city."
With the ruins of Cleveland still smoldering after a surprise nuclear attack launched by Iranian Ayatollahs last week, the world's attention is refreshingly focused on more urgent matters as most people appear to be concerned with other things.
"Like, I didn't even know where Cleveland was?" says a 23-year old shopper at the King of Prussia Mall outside Philadelphia. "I mean, like, this so totally doesn't affect me?"
In Berkeley CA, naked transgender protesters are
calling public attention to the pressing issue of
a complete ban on all commerce. "We're also trying
to free Mumia," says
one of them, pointing out that his or her protest
sign was constructed "without the poison of capitalist
commerce..."
A new civil rights group is fighting a shameful practice: bag searches in the New York City subways that are infringing on the rights of suicide bombers to kill and maim hundreds of New Yorkers. The group that calls itself Jihadists Against Bag Searches distributed flyers today to straphangers (image, left), warning them of the erosion of civil liberties in America.
Dressed in oversized trench coats and carrying heavy backpacks, the group members asked the New Yorkers a simple yet disarming question: "Is this the country you really want to live in, if it profiles a minorit that has blown up cars, buildings, buses, trains, and airplanes in the past?"
"They're right," a concerned young lawyer told our correspondent." With so many people entering the subway, how can we be sure that the searches are absolutely random? There's a big chance it's all a cover-up for profiling minorities. If the police succeeds in preventing them from blowing me up on the train, it will be the end of my civil liberties. I better send another big check to ACLU - that is, if I don't wind up with both of my arms torn off in a blast."
When the Taliban complain about broken AC in their
cells, what else can we do but allow them to saw our
heads off?
Getting one's head sawed off might seem like reason
for concern, but in fact, ACLU lawyers turning themselves over to their
Guantanamo clients for this purpose have gone a long way in addressing
Taliban dissatisfaction with the camp's amenities like poor wi-fi reception.
In an unprecedented display of compassion, volunteers from the
ACLU and Amnesty International are lining up to get their heads sawed
off by disgruntled Taliban prisoners. This new spirit of international
caring has its genesis in the Human
Shields tradition...
RANGEL: there should be
an equal representation
in the armed forces of
the wimps, the nerds,
and the computer geeks.
In a new display of fairness and lack
of partisanship, Rep.
Charles B. Rangel has come up with an initiative to grant US
citizenship equally to both the families of the US soldiers killed
in the Middle East and to those families whose sons are fighting
against the U.S.-led coalition in the region.
"We can't be so unilateral in our policies as to exclude the militarily
disadvantaged opposition to America from entering our country and
becoming citizens," New York Democrat said. "I say let's level
the playing field. To those who say Americans fight the urban warfare
better, I say let's give al-Qaeda a try. I truly believe there
shouldn't be any moral standards in determining our role in the
world. If we agree that one man's terrorist is another man's freedom
fighter, we must also agree that way too few Americans are getting
killed, as opposed to their "enemies." It is a glaring violation
of international fairness and justice. My plan will enable a more
equitable representation of people making sacrifices on the both
sides," the U.S. lawmaker said.
buy a T-shirt
Carter hard at work as Hamas members prepare to launch fireworks in celebration.
A
group of Democratic senators and congressmen visiting
Iraq, together with a U.S. Marine, got captured by
al-Qaeda and brought to a safe house north of Baghdad.
The terrorists announce they will behead the captives,
but promise to grant each of them a last wish.
Hare
Krishnas: "We are tired of smirks
and dissing while working our
asses off at major airports for
little or no pay. Enough is enough!
We demand state-enforced conversions
and equal redistribution of faith
and donations!"
A new video released today on al Jazeera captivated not only regulars enticed by displays of flying body parts and beheadings, but drew in scores of reality TV aficionados, many of whom wept tears of sympathetic tenderness. 
