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Winner of
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Classics from the Cube
The People Cube's Greatest Hits (in no particular order)



Flat Fatima - Revolution In News Photography

Having learned of the growing trend at Reuters, BBC, and other progressive media to doctor photographs, stage events, and use choreographed footage in the best Pallywood traditions, researchers at Karl Marx Treatment center decided to make it even easier for news organization to re-educate their audiences and advance the Greater Good™.

  • Laminated on 5mm corrugated plastic board
  • Water resistant, durable for short term outdoor use
  • Great for quick mounting in the ground
  • No Photoshop required!
  • Fits most popular models of travel bags

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Fun With Quotes: Interactive Collective Quiz


Warning: some questions are more equal than others, and some answers will make you want to slap yourself upside the head with a shovel.

TAKE THE QUIZ >>


Historians: Warsaw Ghetto Uprising Was Overreaction

Europe 's view of the present Israeli offensive against Hezbollah as an "overreaction" and "disproportionate use of force" is rooted in relatively recent history, say progressive researchers. In 1943, Europe itself suffered from a similar Jewish overreaction to some controversial German policies, in an event known as the Warsaw Ghetto Uprising, when Zionist radicals attacked the National Socialist German Workers Party that was loved by the German people for its far-reaching educational and social welfare services. In fact, many academics who teach Peace Studies at prestigious universities believe that it was the Zionists' "disproportionate use of force" that had ruined hopes for peace in Europe and caused a humanitarian crisis that could have easily be avoided if only Jews had shown restraint and tolerance towards the democratically elected German government.
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The Socialist Brain of a Liberal Democrat

As promised in the previous post, Republicanism Linked To Disorder, we have prepared a composite sketch of a healthy Socialist .

Naturally it took twice as much time to map it because the of a progressive, open-minded Democrat is always changing - as opposed to the rigid and bigoted Republican .

Click on the map to see larger image!


Republicanism Caused By Disorder, Mutation

This composite sketch is final, undeniable
proof that Republicanism is a direct result
of a degenerative mutation.

Scientists have finally identified a fatal disorder responsible for the behavior of Republicans, Conservatives, and other capitalist class enemies.

After the Washington Post reported on a revolutionary study, in which progressive researchers scanned Republican s for signs of deformation, we contacted the institute that conducted the study, the Karl Marx Treatment Center. The Center provided us with blood-chilling CAT images that show what happen s to a that is allowed to grow without the caring guidance of the progressive establishment.

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"Offended Muslim Syndrome" Symptoms & Self-Help Groups

Following the misery inflicted on Islam by a toy bear that ended up with calls for the execution of an English woman, more Muslims are stepping forward with stories of long-suppressed emotional trauma imposed on them by so-called reality. This has led to the creation of support groups and social networks that help followers of the Prophet Mohammed cope with the agony of learning about life outside of their immediate environment, offering assistance with technical resources, practical guidance, and strategies for early intervention and punishment of those who offend Islam.

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Anthropogenic Continental Drift: An Incoherent Truth

Industrial Nations Threaten Globe Again
A new menace to the planet has been discovered and validated by a consensus of politically reliable scientists: Anthropogenic Continental Drift (ACD) will result in catastrophic damage and untold suffering, unless immediate indemnity payments from the United Sates, Europe, and Australia be made to the governments of non-industrial nations, to counteract this man-made threat to the world's habitats.

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Israel Dismantles; World's Problems End

Sharon: "It's not every day when
the French, the Germans, Muslims, Communists, Nazis, Arabs,
Socialists, and the United Nations agree on things, so when they do,
it's obvious that they must be correct."

Persistent rhetoric coming from concerned progressive critics worldwide has finally convinced Israeli officials that the state of Israel has no moral right to exist. "That's it," Prime Minister Ariel Sharon explained at a press conference. "We are dismantling the Nation of Israel. I'm leaving for Poland next week."

"My cabinet and I had long discussions about world troubles, and we concluded that our critics are right - all the troubles can be traced back to us. So, in order to resolve these issues, we felt it would be best to extend our withdrawal beyond Gaza to include the West Bank and Israel proper," Sharon said. "The Gaza pullout was only a test, and the ensuing waves of peace and brotherhood it had triggered in Palestine and beyond, encouraged us to disband altogether. Without us here, people of the world will finally be able, once again, to live in permanent harmony and understanding - just like they all did before Israel's founding nearly sixty years ago."

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Jihadists Against Bag Searches

If you want to print this picture click here
for a bigger and cleaner version.
A new civil rights group is fighting a shameful practice: bag searches in the New York City subways that are infringing on the rights of suicide bombers to kill and maim hundreds of New Yorkers. The group that calls itself Jihadists Against Bag Searches distributed flyers today to straphangers (image, left), warning them of the erosion of civil liberties in America.

Dressed in oversized trench coats and carrying heavy backpacks, the group members asked the New Yorkers a simple yet disarming question: "Is this the country you really want to live in, if it profiles a minorit that has blown up cars, buildings, buses, trains, and airplanes in the past?"

"They're right," a concerned young lawyer told our correspondent." With so many people entering the subway, how can we be sure that the searches are absolutely random? There's a big chance it's all a cover-up for profiling minorities. If the police succeeds in preventing them from blowing me up on the train, it will be the end of my civil liberties...

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Amends for Hiroshima: Congress To Bomb Two U.S. Cities

In a belated expression of remorse for the nuclear strikes on Hiroshima and Nagasaki sixty years ago, Congress has authorized the Army to launch apologetic nuclear strikes on two American cities. The selection of cities is not final, but they will most likely be Dallas and Houston in a nod to the Democratic desire to attack cities in a "red" state.

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BurqaBarn: Dress Your Woman in Style!

By Tamil Mohammar Ramadan

Hello my friends! How many times have you caught one of your women bandying about without its burqa? How many times has an insolent female flashed her ankle by "accident"? Has this caused you humiliation and pain requiring whipping? Have you been forced, through no fault of your own, to resort to honor killing? Isn't it time you stopped wasting perfectly good woman flesh and invested in a foolproof coverage system for your females?

Now, BurqaBarn, in conjunction with Citywide Waste Management, has a solution for you!

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ACLU Lawyers Volunteer to Get Their Heads Sawed Off


When the Taliban complain about broken AC in their
cells, what else can we do but allow them to saw our
heads off?
Getting one's head sawed off might seem like reason for concern, but in fact, ACLU lawyers turning themselves over to their Guantanamo clients for this purpose have gone a long way in addressing Taliban dissatisfaction with the camp's amenities like poor wi-fi reception.

In an unprecedented display of compassion, volunteers from the ACLU and Amnesty International are lining up to get their heads sawed off by disgruntled Taliban prisoners. This new spirit of international caring has its genesis in the Human Shields tradition...

MORE >>


New Spirit of Municipal Randomness
Random Bag Checks in NY Subway Lead to A New Spirit of Municipal Randomness


New York firefighters randomly douse one house per neighborhood per week.

Inspired by the success of random bag checks among people entering the New York City subway system, the City has decided to expand the idea of randomness to its other functions. Police Commissioner Kelly, the architect of random policing, spoke of why randomness works so well: "The idea is that no one is any better or any worse than anyone else; if we're all suspects, then no one is a suspect, and no one will feel hurt. As we know, the main function of a police force is to make everyone feel good about themselves."

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Most people know that Americans benefit from

  • high taxes
  • powerful unions
  • limited consumer choice
  • strong government control

But most people lack the training to fully understand why we derive benefits from these policies, and why government control over public anything results in unsurpassable quality (transportation, education, health, etc.).

To remedy your "knowledge deficit" you can ask us any question you choose, and it will be explained by the legendary Professor Paul Kurgman in a language that you can understand.

From the evils of profiteering, corporatism, and economic exploitation to the rewards of regulation, social justice, and community/stakeholder involvement, Professor Kurgman will use his agile mind to clarify the otherwise intimidating field of economics.

MORE >>




We at the People's Cube have developed a technology that emulates the thinking of the NYT writers. With just one mouse-click, without paying a dime at the newsstand, you can now generate an instant NYT headline that will brighten your day and ruin it for the capitalist pigs. Just look at this list of Top 10 NYT Headlines we have generated with this technology:

Click here to generate your own progressive NYT headline >>

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America Takes Off Gloves, Puts on Brass Knuckles

The United States has often been called, directly or indirectly, the most brutal, repressive, and rapacious empire ever to place its yoke on the shoulders of humanity. But today, in an alarming policy shift that has the world recoiling in horror, the Bush administration, fed up with its critics, announced that the United States will immediately begin to live up to its unflattering, media-driven image.

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Newspaper Runs Out Of Anti-Bush Headlines

It was only a matter of time before the mainstream media ran out of catchy anti-Bush headlines. Starting with the 2000 elections the US editors appeared to be engaged in a prestigious contest: who would cast the President in the worst possible light. The opportunities seemed unlimited. The headline-writers spent countless nights awash in the pale glow of their monitors, coming up with one brilliant hook after another. But four years of consistent Bush-bashing have eventually exhausted everyone's vocabulary and imagination. So when George W. Bush was reelected in November of 2004, several pundits sensed that a crisis of creativity would soon plague the media. By the end of the second quarter of this year, the national media hit rock bottom.

"There are only so many words one can string together while remaining impartial and objective - even if it's such fertile topic as our dumb and evil dictator President who is bent on bombing caribou herds into the Stone Age in Alaska...

MORE >>

 


The Alternative Secret History of the World


On the Fourth of July Americans will be cynically celebrating the greatest setback world progress has ever endured in all of human history. The rest of humankind will, of course, be grieving over the dark day when the United States of America was born. To understand the full scope of this tragedy we must look back at the pre-7/04 world and see what it was like to live on planet Earth before 1776.

Prior to July 4, 1776, not a single person in the world starved, got sick, worked hard for a living, or experienced any pain and anxiety. No one had ever been oppressed or unfairly exploited because the oppressive and unfair American system had not yet been created.

MORE >>




The picture above, taken off the government website EarthDay.gov, documents the punishment that a coalition of progressive activists imposed on the neo-imperialistic criminal George Bush as part of International Earth Day celebration April 22nd.

MORE >>

In related Earth Day news:
Lenin Is Risen, Talks to Press



Following up on our earlier interview with Al Gore, a TPC correspondent went to Moscow and met with the reanimated Leader of Workers and Peasants, Vladimir Lenin.

Looking younger than his age, the Leader was busy organizing the masses for the observance of Earth Day. He still found time to sit with me at a nearby bar with the view of Red Square and the Mausoleum. His supporters remained outside, waving Lenin posters and staring at us through the freshly cleaned window.

MORE >>


US Military To Use Democrat Attack Strategies In Iraq

BAGHDAD - The recent gains by US military in Iraq appear to be the result of a new approach that copies attack strategies used by the Democrats against Republicans in Washington. "Relentless, unprovoked, ungrounded, and indiscriminate attacks for the sake of attacking - whoever, whatever, whenever - have sent the enemy cowering into the deepest holes, immobilized with panic and despair. Impressed by such a resounding success, the Pentagon is now trying to adapt the same strategy to fight insurgency in Iraq," U.S. Lt. Gen. David Petraeus said Friday.

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Pascal's Global Warming Wager: Amen and Hallelujah!

It is a scientific fact that Global Warming provides the means for the ignorant to declare with absolute certainty that they know the unknowable -- Laika The Space Dog

Since man-made Global Warming is becoming increasingly unknowable and avoids being accurately measured, progressive scientists are working hard on new arguments to convince the masses in the necessity to believe in it. In lieu of objective criteria it boils down to a simple matter of faith: Global Warming is, or It is not. But to which side shall the progressive masses incline? In a stunning breakthrough, researchers at Karl Marx Treatment Center have developed a revolutionary concept of the People's Cube Global Warming Wager which proves that believing in Global Warming is more advantageous than not believing. It's similar to the Pascal's Wager argument, only it's more progressive.

MORE >>


Global Warming Vodka: Cheap Alternative Solution


Speaking about free Cadillac-quality medical services from cradle to grave, this baby runs best on ethanol as proven by our Soviet comrades whose extensive research into cheap alcohol-based solutions is well-known. It also shortens the distance between cradle and grave, which saves the government a lot resources. With this in mind we invented a new alternative product that is now quickly replacing Kool-Aid® as preferred mind-altering substance of progressive elites:

Corn ethanol based
GLOBAL WARMING VODKA!

MORE >>





Rush Limbaugh Discovers Tomb of Rugged Individual


On the heels of James Cameron's discovery of a tomb with the remains of Jesus came an announcement by talk radio host Rush Limbaugh that he had discovered a coffin with the remains of another historical character that many social scientists consider a mythical creature - the Rugged Individual. But while Mr. Cameron's findings strike at the heart of the basic tenets of Christianity, Mr. Limbaugh's discovery is meant to strike at the very heart of progressive faith that denies the existence of a self-sufficient Individual who can survive without the government handouts, regulations, and oversight.

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Borat And Iranian President A TV Spoof?

REVISITING BORAT

It was only a matter of time before the so-called "Iranian President" Mahmoud Ahmadinejad would be unmasked as the biggest hoax in the history of television, perpetrated by Brooklyn comic Misha Braslavsky, a cable TV buffoon exploiting Western stereotypes of "evil Islamic radicalism."

Looking back, we can only laugh at our unblinking acceptance of Ahmadinejad, an "Islamist hard-liner" dressed like a Turkish used car salesman, who called to wipe Israel off the map or move it to Alaska, demanded a manual recount of Holocaust victims, and banned all Western music. His retractions were even more bizarre: "CNN make lie! I send squeegees to help Israel, not 'Wipe off Israel!' Who translated, I kill him!"

MORE >>


Al Gore's Oscar/Nobel Acceptance Speech (Draft)


The People's Cube has obtained a draft of Al Gore's Oscar acceptance speech to be read in full, uninterrupted by music, at Hollywood's Kodak Theater on Feb. 25. The same speech, with minor adjustments for local weather, will also be delivered in Oslo City Hall on Dec. 10, where Al Gore is hoping to receive a Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts in putting Global Warming on the front burner of class struggle. Below is the full text of Al Gore's speech:

MORE >>


One Man's Reuters Is Another Man's Al-Jazeera


Who hasn't heard that "one man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter" - a relatively moral axiom employed by Reuters and other progressive news agencies? Very few, however, realize that it was modeled on an earlier idiom - "one man's trash is another man's treasure" - which, being a legitimate pearl of people's wisdom, lends some of its gloss to Reuters' counterfeit product. We like to call it "truth by association": if it sounds like what we believe is true, it probably is true. The propaganda value of this logical device cannot be overstated - but it must be handled with caution, lest someone writes: "one man's Reuters is another man's Party organ" or "one man's head is another man's hole in the ground." That's why, as a public service, we are offering an exercise designed to teach the masses to generate quality "truths" in bulk and on the fly, without thinking. One man's truth is another man's invention, everything is a matter of opinion, and one man's opinion is another man's truth.

PLAY THE GAME >>



Hillary's Presidential Message (Reading Btwn The Lines)


Highlights:
- Every American deserves a free rationing coupon
- One sack of beets and potatoes a month for the middle class
- It's not your money, it's the government's
- The Constitution just doesn't cut it anymore
- Put an end to Bush's economic boom
- We need Central Planning and one-party rule
- You will love my five year plans
- Terrorists? Let's chat

WATCH VIDEO >>


Colleges to Allow Terrorist Recruiters on Campus

Since the initially successful effort by academia to ban US military recruiters on campuses has had frustratingly little effect on the overall recruitment numbers, the non-partisan organization "Professors Against Unfair Recruiting Practices" (PAURP) is pushing for a change in strategy to undermine the US military in wartime. The so-called "Academia's New Iraq Strategy," designed to boost morale and guide activist professors out of an apparent quagmire, calls for a surge in numbers of "terrorist" recruiters on campus, as well as extending invitations to representatives of the Cuban, North Korean, and Venezuelan militaries.

MORE >>


Democrats Push For New Iraq Strategy: Care Bears™

Capitalizing on the enormous success achieved by Democrats with the display of children at the inauguration ceremony, the new leaders are proposing to take this strategy even further and manage the situation in Iraq with the help of Care Bears™.

WASHINGTON, Jan. 6 - Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and Speaker Nancy Pelosi sent a letter to President Bush urging him to reject any plan that could potentially result in a military victory in Iraq. The leaders warned that a surge in troop levels might further antagonize al-Qaeda's already-overtaxed fighters, and cited the dangers of U.S. victory to the future of the Democratic Party, liberal media, and world's progress towards socialism.

MORE >>



Wedding Bells & Whistles (Literally Wedding Them)

Under pressure from New Jersey's highest court to offer marriage or its equivalent to multi-sexual-oriented couples, groups, and associations, the state Legislature voted last week to make New Jersey the third state to allow civil unions. "This is a huge step towards progress," says M.S. Punchenko, who has been waiting more than four years to enter into an official legal relationship with a toaster named Helen<3, his long-time life partner and a registered Democrat. "If I could get my toaster registered to vote for Robert Menendez in midterm elections, she might as well be entitled to my health insurance, inheritance, and adoption rights," Punchenko says.

MORE >>


Latino Groups Praise Taco Bell For E. Coli

Activists of several Latino advocacy groups hailed the recent E. coli outbreaks at Taco Bell restaurants as "the biggest success yet in reclaiming Aztlán culture on the territories occupied by the American invaders." Groups as La Raza, MEChA, Organization for the Liberation of Aztlán, and other advocates for the restoration of a legendary Chicano country called Aztlán, are celebrating victory. "Mexican people across North America can finally get fast food just like back home," said Margarita Cagada, executive director of the New Jersey state chapter of La Raza. "On behalf of all Hispanics everywhere, La Raza praises Taco Bell for its loyalty to diversity and the promotion of Chicanismo within the community."

MORE >>


Muslim-Friendly TV Line-up & Permissible Music

Once the Democrats take charge in January, bring the troops home, and appoint Jimmy Carter to keep America safe, we must be prepared to submit to Sharia Law pretty quick. It will not be voluntary - but it can be made smooth and painless with the use of re-educational TV programming. The American masses won't even notice the transition, just like they didn't notice the transition to socialist values in the past, due to the masterful work of mind-conditioning experts at all progressive media channels. To that end we recommend this Sharia-friendly Winter TV Line-up:

MORE >>


The New Progressive Bible

  • The Organic Garden of Eden
  • Pharaoh Has Two Mummies
  • What Happens in Sodom and Gomorrah Stays in Sodom and Gomorrah
  • Noah Builds Ark to Survive Global Warming
  • Jonah Saves the Whale
  • David Appeases Goliath
  • The Bilingual Writing on the Wall
  • The Tower of Babel & The Controlled Demolition Theory
  • Uncle Samson & The NY Times Reporter Delilah
  • Judas The ACLU Lawyer
  • Joseph & Mary Celebrate Holiday Season By Donating Fetus To Federal Embryonic Stem Cell Bank
  • Government Program Feeds The Multitudes with Five "Whole Grain" Loaves And Two Non-Endangered Fishes

MORE >>


Thanksgiving With A Space Alien

Last Thursday a flying saucer landed in my backyard. A friendly, if slightly disoriented alien pilot told me he needed a drink. I had just what he wanted, since this was Thanksgiving and all.

His name was Ollie and he came to Earth looking for an honest, self-reliant, optimistic, and technically inclined nation that could benefit from a contact with his more advanced civilization.
"Whoa, whoa!" I raised my finger. "To call yourself advanced you must take at least three diversity training classes. What planet are you from, really?"

MORE >>


Free Bryan Hathaway!

SIGN THE PETITION!

Let's face it - a caring and loving relationship with a consenting dead animal on the side of the road is a constitutional right of every American regardless of ethnic, religious, or economic background.

Bryan James Hathaway is a young minority activist from Wisconsin who has been on the forefront of progressive struggle for the liberation of inanimate objects, plants, animals, and household appliances. His selfless devotion to fighting speciism and necrophobia in our society has led him to be brutally persecuted, tortured, and incarcerated - all for a laughable "crime" of "sexual gratification with a dead deer on the side of the road." As if his prior conviction of "horsing around" had not been enough, the bigoted ruling class is once again making him the whipping boy of their own suppressed anxieties, fantasies, and desires.

MORE >>



Michael Moore's Pledge - Revised and Improved

Having read Michael Moore's pledge to disheartened Conservatives, we felt that its seemingly unthreatening tone might anger our radical base. They didn't endure all the fighting and the sacrifice so that they could watch a millionaire barrel of lard doing curtsies to the class enemy. The People have spoken out - and they want blood! They have spoken out for purges, show trials, long prison sentences, and mass deportations. They want shakedown, expropriation, and redistribution.

Our radicals are radical not because they feed on subtleties! They take things at face value. If you say "war for oil" they see US troops breaking into the homes of poor Iraqis, grabbing barrels of oil from their shaky hands, and selling them at $54 a piece to sleazy Halliburton executives waiting outside. Our radicals judge the contents by looking at the surface - and asking their Inner Comrades how good it makes them feel about themselves. It is both their strength and their weakness, which the Party has learned to exploit for the Greater Good™.

Therefore, we hereby announce
People's Contest
for the translation of Michael Moore's Pledge
into a language that the radical masses can understand


Purported Democrat Tape Vows To Continue Jihad

WASHINGTON, DC (TPC) -- A purported audio recording by a Democrat chieftain vows to step up the group's fight against the GOP, saying, "We haven't had enough of your blood yet." The 20-minute recording was posted Friday on a Web site used by Democratic activists and the speaker is identified as Nancy Pelosi, who takes over leadership of the US Congress after Dennis Hastert resigns in January. Calling President Bush a "lame duck" the speaker tells Bush not to "run away as your lame defense secretary ran away," referring to Donald Rumsfeld, who resigned Wednesday.

MORE >>


BBC Adopts Sharia Policies, Stones Gay Staff

The BBC has recently come out of the closet, admitting that its executives, reporters, analysts, directors, and even cleaning ladies, who are mostly young, urban, trendy, Left-leaning homosexuals, have been found guilty of mistreating the station's Muslim minority by virtue of being insensitive to their anti-gay cultural sentiments. A leaked transcript of a secret 'accountability summit' called by BBC chairman reveals that the BBC, while promoting sexual and ethnic diversity, has neglected to fully comply with the new multicultural order. These new standards prohibit anything that may be viewed as offensive to Muslims or the Koran, including engaging in homosexual acts.

MORE >>



Apple Mecca: Open Letter to Radical Muslim Politburo


Dear radical Muslim comrades! While you are the best allies the Left could ever have in the great patriotic war against American Capitalism, there are limits in every relationship, even the most intimate one like ours. Thus, your latest allegation that the Apple Mecca Store in New York amounts to a deliberate insult to Islam (because it resembles your big black Ka'bah cube in Mecca) is not just inane, it's an unprovoked stab in the back. This isn't how good allies treat one another. Yes, our cube-shaped Apple store resembles Ka'bah - so what? It's not like your real Mecca. To be more like the real Mecca it must have regular stampedes crushing thousands of geeks to death every year, aggravated by outbreaks of dysentery among huge crowds of Apple users crammed together in anti-sanitary conditions.

MORE >>


New Posters,
More Visual
Propaganda

click here >>


Polish Comrades Modify The People's Cube To Their Needs

Our site has received an angry letter from Poland complaining about the unnecessary complexity of the People's Cube puzzle. "Despite your claim that this 'ultimate egalitarian tool' guarantees equal outcome for all players, after two weeks of strenuous efforts we gave up resolving the puzzle," the letter states, concluding that "something must be fundamentally wrong with the puzzle itself." The letter, signed by Slawomir Sierakowski, editor-in-chief of the Polish "Krytyka Polityczna", organ of the progressive wing of the Communist Party of Poland, indignantly criticizes us for misleading the masses into a "sinister bourgeois trap" of believing in a "competition with a human face."

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Byzantine Emperor Apologizes to Muslims For Quote

In the view of some historians, the Pope's recent apology to enraged Muslims over use of a quote written by Manuel II Palaeologus in 1391 bears a striking similarity with a similar apology delivered more than 600 years ago by Manuel II Palaeologus himself to offended Muslim armies after they ransacked his Christian country, converted its citizens to Islam, and beheaded or enslaved those who resisted the forced conversions. In a public speech made shortly after the quote first appeared in Muslim press, Manuel II apologized to the Islamic community that besieged his controversial "Byzantine entity."

MORE (and don't miss our 3 min video at the bottom) >>


Prominent Muslims: Why Do They Hate Us?
by Dr. Salima al-Kurgman


Muslims protesters: "Is it because we didn't support Ned Lamont? Is it because our lousy plastic recycling program?"

Ever since the confrontation between the West and Islam began, the question "Why do they hate us?" has been topping the Frequently Asked Questions charts among Western leaders and intellectuals, tormenting minds and souls of the Western populace prone to introspection. Considering the magnitude of the problem, we have assumed that the same question similarly torments the minds of prominent Muslims in the lands of Islam. And indeed, our special Bridge-Building survey has determined that from Saudi Arabia to Iran to Afghanistan, in the halls of the prestigious Islamic universities and government palaces, prominent Muslims are asking the same questions: "Why us? Why the terror alert system? Why security checks at airports?"

MORE >>


NEW SECTION: FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions)

While it is true that different sets of FAQ exist for various practical purposes, a study conducted at the non-partisan Karl Marx Treatment Center has shown that if you combine all the FAQs that exist in the world in different languages, put them into a gigantic computer database financed by non-political charities sponsored by George Soros, and rearrange the questions in the order of priority, the list of world's most important FAQ must look exactly as follows. (It is recommended that action be taken at all public and private institutions to adjust the lists accordingly. Compliance shall be monitored by independent legal observers from the ranks of the ACLU and the National Lawyers Guild.)

MORE >>


McCartney Apologizes For 9/11 Song "Freedom"

Songwriter in 'ongoing self-criticism' after apprehension on suspicion of pro-Americanism

New York -- Giving in to public pressure, singer and composer Paul McCartney issued a statement on Monday, apologizing to the progressive artistic community for his "pro-American lyrics and compulsive right-wing behavior" in the days immediately following the 9/11 attacks in New York City, when he organized Concert For New York and performed the "ill-conceived" patriotic song called Freedom. "I don't know what came over me," says McCartney, 64, who was widely criticized by peace activists as a "pro-war Beatle" for writing and singing a jingoistic tune containing such lines as "I will fight for the right to live in freedom. " In his statement, McCartney acknowledges that he had been experiencing "right-wing sentiments" for several weeks following 9/11. "Please know from my heart that I am not a patriot. I am not a even an American," he said.

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Khatami In Harvard: Mullahs and Liberals Not That Different!

While former Iranian President Mohammad Khatami's visit to the land of The Great Satan is welcomed by all progressive sleeper cells inside this country, his message of tolerance and moderation has become an object of vicious attacks from such hate groups as the Episcopal Church, the Jewish Community Relations Council, and Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney's office. The controversy is largely fueled by Mullah Khatami's planned visits to Harvard, Georgetown University, Columbia University, and the University of Virginia for a round of introspective talks and consultations aimed at helping the progressive academic community better to understand their role in the Global War on U.S. Imperialism. The former Iranian leader is also expected to share his rich experience in purging academia and creating a perfectly uniform intellectual climate of diversity for the Greater Good™.

MORE >>


The New York Times: Pluto Crisis Edition...

  • Lack of federal funding leads to downsizing of Solar System
  • Small planets helpless against competition
  • Growing disparity among planets raises moral questions
  • Pluto & Me: Michael Moore stands with the little guy
  • Most "dwarfs" will not survive harsh winter
  • Republicans deny aid to Pluto amidst growing concerns for the future of trans-Neptunian objects
  • Poll: Most Americans think that black holes are discriminated against

MORE >>


Hezbo-Laa-Laa: Cute Little Terrortubby

In an effort to finalize the portrayal of Hezbollah as a benevolent band of misunderstood peasant warriors, and to foster acceptance of other cultures, the BBC retooled its cutest Teletubby character named Laa-laa into Hezbo-Laa-Laa. Sporting a characteristic martyr bandana with the motto "From cradle to grave" written in Arabic, and a suicide belt filled nails and rat poison, this cute and cuddly Terrortubby is intended to show European and American kids that beyond its desire to exterminate the Jew, Hezbollah is, in fact, a caring playmate that will tend to your social needs through a strong presence in the big, generous government!

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Conflict in The Middle East: A Progressive History
From the beginning of time, there was a place called "Palestine" which was inhabited exclusively by the biggest gift to humankind: Palestinians. Their culture flourished, their peaceful people prospered, and their model nation was to become the jewel of the world. Their language was Arabic, their religion was Muslim (pronounced "MOOZ-lem"), but regrettably, all evidence of their governments, their currency, their laws, their scientific, technological, philosophical, and artistic accomplishments were destroyed. By whom? Keep reading.

MORE >>


NY Times Reporter Body Armor Vulnerability Analysis


Earlier this year the New York Times courageously exposed vulnerabilities of US body armor, accompanying the story with a controversial diagram and a leaked Pentagon paper in a PDF file, identifying the best areas to shoot at. Today the Pentagon responded by releasing a diagram that details vulnerabilities of the New York Times journalists, which analysts predict is about to become the focus of a new media fury.

"The Pentagon released the results of their secret research despite our strongest objections," said Bill Keller, the executive editor of The Times, in an urgent statement. "It can seriously damage our ability to gather and publish information that is harmful to the United States."

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The New York Times Shows Bush Who's The Boss

The Bush administration and The New York Times are again at odds over national security, this time with new exposures of the administration's immoral attempts to protect imperialist America from heroic Islamic freedom fighters.

In today's issue the fearless NYT showed the world how the militaristic US government was co-opting major capitalist financial institutions to track global financial transfers.

The message this sends is clear - give up, George Bush! Protecting America is a useless task when you face the glorious destructive force of progressive media! America must be destroyed! It is a historical inevitability whose time has come!

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New Dem Strategy: Everybody Must Cut And Run

Murtha: To cut and run is every American's right and patriotic duty

Encouraged by the media success of their "Bring the troops home before the job is done" campaign, Democrat leadership decided to expand this strategy to other groups of society. The new "Cut and Run For America" campaign to send everybody home before the job is done will first be tested on government employees - teachers, doctors, police, firefighters - and later cover the rest of the population. "Americans need to stop trying," explained the new compassionate strategy Sen. Harry Reid (D-NV). "We deeply believe that most people in this country would like to stay low, stop thinking, stop fending for themselves, and just live off government handouts."

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Homeless Depot: A Moral Alternative

Home Depot, the nation's largest home-improvement chain, was accused in a Federal lawsuit today of discriminating against the homeless. "The very existence of Home Depot is offensive to the sensitivities of people without homes," says Nadine Strossen, head of the ACLU who filed the case, adding that the word "home" itself smacks of racism, bigotry, and intolerance and thus should be treated as hate speech. The suit seeks unspecified damages on behalf of seven homeless people, some of them of color, squatting in an abandoned building next to the Home Depot parking lot in the Coney Island area of New York.

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Al Zarqawi: Advancing Progress No More


Another leader of social progress has been murdered by American war criminals today. The Left lost a prominent comrade who helped us fight US imperialism at home and abroad. Every glorious beheading and school bus explosion he committed was cherished by human rights activists as another proof of the cynical nature of the Bush administration.

RECOMMENDED HEADLINES
FOR PROGRESSIVE MASS MEDIA:

  • Why right-wing extremists cheer Zarqawi's death
  • Should we love Al Zarqawi? Many think so
  • Zarqawi killed, but more impotantly - what have US marines done wrong lately?
  • Zarqawi Studies Center and Museum to open in University of Colorado at Boulder
  • FCC bans "dancing Zarqawi" iPod commercial
  • Cameron Diaz gets a cool Zarqawi tattoo

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Lenin Awards N.J. Mayor With Eminent Domain Medal

Lenin endorses a communist
haven in New Jersey

Eminent domain expropriations are sweeping the American motherland like a red tide of Socialism raised by the increasing gravitational pool of Marxist thought. The Mayor of Piscataway, New Jersey, has recently seized the last remaining farm in the area in order to turn it into an empty space - the epitome of Socialist improvement, a.k.a. the Greater Good™. Upon hearing that the kulaks and other greedy bourgeois property owners of New Jersey are being liquidated as a class, Lenin resurrected from his Mausoleum - again - to help the revolutionary US peasants confiscate capitalist property and redistribute the bourgeois wealth. Step one: find the heroic Democrat Mayor of Piscataway and present him with People's Award for Expropriation and Confiscation.

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People's Karaoke: Star-Spangled Bandido
Yet another version by Professor Palimpsest


Olé! We will sneak,
'Cross the border tonight.
There's no wall to be scaled,
And your laws aren't worth heeding.

We will need no green cards,
Nor a license to drive.
All hail Vicente Fox!
We're here and not leaving.

Your family needs an au pair!
And some help with lawn care!
So why put up a fight,
When good help is so rare?

Celebrate as our tri-colored banner is raised
Over our new colonies
In the land of the dazed!

CLICK HERE TO SING ALONG! >>


Who Are They?

They trekked thousands of miles in searing heat...
They crossed the border risking life and limb...
They get paid peanuts...
They do jobs others refuse to do...
Some people back in their own country treat them with little respect...
They live crammed together in substandard conditions...
They rarely see their families...
They have to learn a foreign language and culture...
They recognize only one flag...

WHO ARE THEY?

CLICK HERE TO FIND OUT >>


Jorge Washíntonez Crosses The Rio Grande

The flag-waving U.S. traditionalists suffered yet another setback in the so-called "culture wars" last week, when a group of recording artists announced that they had produced a new Spanish-language version of "Star-Spangled Banner." Loosely based on the original's lyrics and much more progressive in message, the revised national anthem is part of a larger wave of similar "reinventions" that is breaking across the fruited plain, washing away the wilted "cultural crops" of the bourgeoisie, and sowing something new and vibrant in their place.

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Kids-4-Gas: Trade Your Nagging Brat For A Full Tank

Abu Salim, Exxon station manager: "Moms have no problem dumping off one of their kids in return for a month of fill ups."

LOS ANGELES -- Since local gas stations began accepting children as payment for a month's worth of gas last Saturday, thousands of enthusiastic moms have already dumped off their annoying kids at the pump and took off to the mall with tanks full of gas. The new Kids-4-Gas program, successfully introduced by LA Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, is meant to ease the burden on poor families while simultaneously fix most logistical problems related to overpopulation.

"With gas prices higher than Beverley Hills heroin addicts, it is our duty as Democrats and good citizens, to help the poor get by another day without having to work harder," says Los Angeles Mayor. "Anything is better than drilling for more oil in Alaska."

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Skools: Insider's View of the Revolution
Real pictures taken by a real student at Marilla Carillo High Schoo